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  “Okay, honey. I love you.”

  He could hear her settling herself back on the bed. “Love you too, Mom. “ He hung up, then pressed his cell phone tight against his temple. God, he didn’t want to call his Dad, but if she pulled another one of these episodes, he was going to have to get the man involved. He liked that even less than the thought of his mom calling him again.

  Stuffing the phone into his pocket, he veered toward Main Street. He needed a cup of coffee to jumpstart him again. While he walked, he dialed his Dad’s cell number. It took four rings for his father to pick up.

  “Hey Donovan.” His father’s voice was chipper this morning. “What’s new?”

  Van grimaced. Well, his next sentence was bound to kill his Dad’s good mood. “Mom went off her meds again.”

  Silence on the other end. Van waited a few moments, wondering what was going through his father’s head. Probably couldn’t wait to get off the phone with him. Van felt his hand tighten around the phone and forced himself to relax.

  “I’m not sure what you expect me to do about it, son.” His father’s voice was sad. “I’m not married to her anymore.” A pause. “I was kind of hoping you’d called to talk to me about school.”

  Van stopped walking. He felt his face flush with anger. “It’s hard to focus on school when your mother just called to tell you she can’t get out of bed.”

  His father sighed on the other end of line. “I know this is hard for you, but your mother is not my responsibility anymore.”

  “But it’s okay that she’s mine?” Van snapped.

  He could hear the strain in his father’s voice when he responded to that. He was striving for calm. “She’s not your responsibility either, son. She’s a grown woman. She needs to take responsibility for herself.”

  Easy for him to say, with his new wife and new family. He got to walk away and leave everyone behind when his mother’s moods got to be too much. He found solace in another woman—it was part of what drove his mother deeper into depression. He had just dropped them when it became too difficult to cope.

  Van didn’t want to abandon his mother. She was his responsibility because there wasn’t anyone else, like it or not.

  He didn’t want to talk to his Dad anymore. He wasn’t sure why he called in the first place. “Look, I’ve got to get to class. Talk to you later.”

  “Van,” his father said, a catch in his voice. “I just…,” Van thought his father might say something helpful, but then he heard the older man sigh. “Take care of yourself. And call me whenever you want to talk.”

  “Yeah. I’ll be sure to do that.” He couldn’t keep some of the bitterness he felt from creeping into his tone. He ended the call before he could say anything else he might regret.

  Van tucked his phone into his pocket and continued on his way to the coffee shop. Java Joe’s blinking open sign beckoned him. He ducked inside, hiking his backpack up higher on his shoulder. The smell of brewing coffee was like a friend welcoming him inside. He immediately felt better.

  Lila was behind the counter. She smiled when she saw him, brushing aside a stray lock of hair that had escaped from her bun. “Usual?” she asked as he approached the counter.

  He shook his head. “I need the big guns.” He surveyed the menu. “Give me a large coffee with an extra shot of espresso.”

  She whistled. “Rough morning?”

  “You have no idea.” He ran a hand down his face.

  She nodded sympathetically. “It will take me a few minutes. Grab a table and hang. I’ll bring it over when it’s done.”

  “Thanks.” He took a seat close to the front so he could watch her work.

  Lila moved with an easy grace behind the counter. It was different from the way she walked when she was in public and it took him a minute to realize what the difference was. Here, she was unselfconscious, confident even. When she walked down the street, it was as if Lila did everything she could not to be noticed. She tried to make herself smaller, as though the space she took up naturally was too much. But at work, she didn’t hide. She stood tall, kept her head up and met people’s eyes. It was almost as if she was a different person.

  A few more people came in, but the other guy behind the counter handled them and they left with their coffees. Lila finished up, capping his to-go cup with the lid and handed it off to him. “Here you go.” She cocked her head, observing him. “You sure you’re okay? You don’t look so good.”

  He laughed, taking a swig of his coffee and promptly burning his tongue. He swallowed anyway. “Thanks, I think.”

  She grinned. “You know what I meant.” She paused, looking down at him with a concerned frown. “Want to talk about it?”

  He shrugged, unsure of what he wanted to do. Lila didn’t press; she just stood and waited for him to say something. He fiddled with a sugar packet. “You’re working.”

  She waved to the guy behind the counter and signaled to him. He flashed five fingers at her and she nodded. “I can take a quick break.” She sat in the chair across from him. “What’s up?”

  “Heard from my Mom this morning.”

  She said nothing. Her hazel eyes searched his face, but she let him take his time, let him decide whether or not he wanted to share his troubles with her. He appreciated it. She didn’t push him, like most girls he knew would have.

  “She’s bipolar. She stopped taking her medication.”

  “Oh.” Her clear eyes met his. “Is she going to be okay?”

  “Don’t know.” It came out harder than he meant it to. Van shook his head. “I mean, I hope so. She took her pills when I was on the phone with her.”

  “Must be tough, to deal with something like that. Does your Dad look out for her?”

  “They’re divorced. He looks out for himself.” That came out just as hard as he wanted.

  “So you’re it for her?” She gave him a look that said she knew what that was like. “That’s double tough.”

  “You got it,” he agreed, wrapping his hands around his cup.

  Lila leaned over and touched her index finger to the back of his hand. “Hey, any time you want to talk, I’m around. Okay?”

  Van felt the corner of his mouth pull up in a hard half-smile. He didn’t do well with offers of help, especially from girls. That way led to complications and put him at a disadvantage should he ever want to cut and run. The only exception was Gretchen, and Van wondered if that was only because he was so obviously in the friend zone and would never be anything else to her.

  “When do you have time to attend class?” he asked, desperate to change the subject from him to her. “You seem to be here every time I come in,” he teased, giving her what he hoped was a charming smile.

  Her face closed up like a night-blooming flower at sunrise. Lila looked at him cautiously, then stood up. “Afternoons mostly.” She looked around the café. “I’ve got to get back to it. See you around.”

  Van’s eyes scanned the place. No new patrons had entered and if any had, the other kid at the counter was more than capable of taking care of them. A few people sat at various tables, but they looked to be in the throes of marathon study sessions, so there was no danger of them needing anything for a while. He frowned, picking up his coffee cup. He’d driven her away with what he’d said. He tried not to feel like an asshole about it. Lila had only been trying to be nice.

  He checked his watch. He still had a few minutes before his History class, but he might as well get going. Slinging his pack over one shoulder, he caught Lila’s eyes on his way out. “Catch up with you later,” he offered, trying to get a read on her.

  “Take it easy,” she said casually, dropping her eyes to the rag she was using to wipe down the counter.

  He nodded at the other guy behind the counter with her and stepped outside. Wanting nothing more than to go back to his apartment and crawl back under the covers so he could start the day over again, Van pushed himself to walk to campus. He risked one look back at the glass windows of Java
Joe’s and tried to stuff down the disappointment he felt when he couldn’t see Lila. Then he turned his steps and thoughts away from the warmth of the shop and got on with what he needed to do.

  Chapter Eight

  Van picked them up in his beat up Toyota sedan. Ryan was already in the front seat, so Lila and Gretchen slid in the back. Ryan turned around in his seat to talk to the two girls. “You ready for some fun, ladies?”

  “Where is this place?” Lila asked. Gretchen had only told her the barest of details. They were going to a bonfire and party with a couple of bands on some guy’s family farm. There were a ton of parties going on tonight, though Lila couldn’t really figure out why, but this one was bound to be the biggest.

  “Where’s your hotter half?” Ryan asked Gretchen when they were inside.

  “She couldn’t get away. She’s on duty tonight.” Gretchen answered.

  Van nodded, finding her eyes in the rearview mirror. “She drew the short straw, eh?”

  “Yeah, and she couldn’t find anyone to trade shifts with her. Probably because they’ll all be at the party.”

  “So let’s get going already!” Ryan let loose with a wild yell, rolling his window down.

  The traffic was light until they turned off the highway and onto a long gravel drive. The headlights of a line of cars lit the way. “Well, we must be going in the right direction,” Van said as he slowed down.

  It took another ten minutes before they hit the field that was functioning as the parking lot for the party. Lila saw that it was already half full when Van pulled the car to a stop. The sound of a band playing drifted across the fields and through Ryan’s open window. Lila stepped out of the car and felt a flutter in her stomach at the thought of being surrounded by all of those people. Then Gretchen stepped out and came to stand beside her.

  “You okay?” her roommate asked, giving her a bracing smile.

  Lila nodded, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “Mmm hmmm.”

  “Let’s go.” Gretchen looped her arm in Lila’s and led her along behind Ryan and Van as they made their way to the main body of the party.

  There was an old barn where the kegs were and an open field with a makeshift stage set up on the far end of it. People were dancing in front of it, but most attendees milled around clumps, talking and laughing. The bonfire was in the field behind the barn. It was still fairly early and the temperature hadn’t dropped much so there weren’t many people congregating around the fire yet.

  Lila hung back as Gretchen and the others split off to get their cups. She looked up, drinking in the sky’s shadings of dark blues, violets, and blacks. The moon rode low in the sky and the stars were barely visible. She would have been happy grabbing a blanket and lying in the middle of an empty field and watching the night sky reveal its secrets in slow motion.

  “Hey there,” Van said, coming up beside her, cup in hand. “You’re not going to drink?”

  Lila shook her head. She wanted to keep a clear head with this many people around. It wasn’t that she expected anything bad to happen; it was more a habit left over from her first year at State. She found it was easier to stay sober, especially in crowds. “I don’t mind being DD.”

  “I don’t plan on getting too wrecked tonight,” he answered, giving her a crooked grin. “What are you doing?”

  Lila tucked her hands in the pockets of her hoodie, tilting her head back. “Star gazing.”

  “Mind if I join you?”

  “It’s a free sky.”

  “That it is.” Van dropped his head back. They stood quietly for a few more minutes, then he said, “Wow.”

  Lila hummed in agreement. “Yup.”

  More silence followed, and then it was broken by Van’s light laugh. “If we stand here too much longer, people are going to wonder what we’re looking at.”

  “They’re welcome to join us and find out.” Lila took a chance and looked over at Van. He was a darker blot of night beside her, the flickering firelight doing little to illuminate his sharp features. Her memory provided the shape of his jaw and the jut of his cheekbones.

  His head turned, eradicating what little of his profile she could see. “I’d prefer they didn’t.”

  Lila opened her mouth to reply and then closed it again. Because how was she supposed to reply to a line like that? The last time she saw him, he’d been giving off the vibe that he might be interested, and then suddenly something changed. He’d grown distant, strange.

  And now here he was, throwing out that to her? How was she to respond to that?

  “I don’t understand.” Well that was one way.

  She saw his shadow-self shake his head. “I don’t want anyone else here. With us.”

  “Lila!” Gretchen shouted from the door of the barn. “Come on!” She beckoned with a pale hand.

  “Duty calls,” Lila said, feeling the flush creep up her cheeks. She didn’t know if she should be upset at the interruption or relieved. Uplieved?

  Van said nothing as she scurried over to meet Gretchen. “What’s up?” she said, as she joined her.

  “Follow me,” the blonde said, pulling Lila along her wake. “I want to dance.”

  They spent the rest of the band’s set dancing near the stage. Gretchen chucked her cup into the trash bin, determined to meet her promise to stay sober. Her phone rang during a break between bands. Lila walked away to give Gretchen a little privacy. She let her eyes roam over the other people sharing the field with her. She saw Van and walked over to him. He was talking to a couple of guys she didn’t recognize.

  He saw her approach and waved her over. “Where’s G-Love?”

  “Phone call. Figured it had to be important if she answered it here.” She found space in the loose circle they had all formed.

  “Hey, let me introduce you. This is Brian, Paul, and Derek. Guys, this is Lila.”

  She said hi to each of them, then tried not to fidget uncomfortably at finding herself surrounded by guys she didn’t know. She listened to their conversation and tried to keep her mouth shut. It was only a few minutes of talking about times and miles and pace before Gretchen joined them. Her face was flushed.

  “Are you okay?” Lila asked her as soon as her roommate joined them.

  Gretchen shook her head. “Hey B,” she said, greeting Brian. “I don’t know. Shonda wants me to come over and talk about something.” Her hands were fisted into the pockets of her jacket, the material straining against her knuckles.

  “What about?”

  The blonde shrugged. “Wouldn’t I like to know. But I need to find a way to get over there.”

  “Is everything okay between you two?” Lila took a step closer to Gretchen, ready to steady her if she needed it.

  “I thought it was.” Gretchen trailed off, her eyes looking out at the bonfire. “But I’ve been wrong before.”

  Van said goodbye and everyone but Brian left. He draped an arm around Gretchen. “So you’re just going to run off and see her when you already had plans?”

  Gretchen’s mouth twisted into an almost-smile. It held an edge of bitterness. “Don’t start.” She sighed. “We’ve already talked about this.”

  Lila wondered what it was they had talked about. Gretchen tended not to say much to her about Shonda, aside from the usual dating stuff. She wondered how much Van knew that Lila didn’t. It didn’t sit well with her. Was it something to do with last year, when Lila was at State? Or was it something recent, something that Gretchen hadn’t felt like sharing with her?

  “I hate to ask it,” Gretchen was saying when Lila pulled herself out of her own thoughts, “but could you give me a ride back to campus?”

  Van looked skeptical. “I don’t know, Gretch. Are you going to start all the drama up again? Last year you were a damn yo-yo, getting jerked up and down by your string.”

  “Is everything okay?” Lila interrupted, feeling dread pooling in the pit of her stomach. What had happened last year?

  Gretchen turned to look at Lila, then
narrowed her eyes, almost as though she were looking through her. She was quiet for a moment, then gave a half-hearted squeak of a laugh. “Oh God, Lila, it’s nothing like what you’re thinking.” The blonde put a gentle hand on her arm. “Shonda and I just argue a lot, but that’s all it is. Van here just doesn’t appreciate how things are in relationships.” Her eyes were clear and open when they met Lila’s.

  Nodding, Lila felt a bit better. Gretchen didn’t seem afraid, or even particularly upset. Just anxious to see her girlfriend. Lila had to remind herself that not everyone had a massively dysfunctional relationship in their past. She needed to unclench.

  “I’ll drop you off,” Brian said, rolling his shoulders. “I’m still pretty sore from today’s workout. I was going to head home anyway.”

  “What did Coach give you?” Gretchen asked.

  “Stadium drills. My knees are killing me. Standing around here is not helping.” Brian grinned at her.

  “Well, if you’re offering, I’m accepting.” She turned to Lila. “You can come with, if you want.”

  Lila raised her eyebrows. There was no way she was going to tag along with Gretchen on her—whatever it was—with Shonda. She’d rather be dipped in honey and thrown into a vat of rats. This was one instance where her presence was most definitely neither needed nor wanted. And it would feel weird getting a ride home from a guy she just met.

  Van spoke before she could. “I’ll make sure Lila gets home safe if she wants to hang out a little more.”

  Lila looked at him. He gave her an encouraging smile. Still, she didn’t know anyone here except him and Ryan. Maybe it would be better if she headed back to the apartment. “I don’t know,” she began.

  “The night is young and the bands haven’t even gotten started,” Van told her. “You’ll have fun, I promise.”

  Gretchen broke in. “Lila, you don’t have to stay. Not if you don’t want to.”

  Lila thought for a moment, then came to a decision. She needed to get out of the house, to get used to being around people again. She shook her head. “No, it’s cool. I’ll hang out here for a bit.”